I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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