We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
