We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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