I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
