I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
