I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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