I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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