I wish I only lived at night.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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