so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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