dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
