Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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