He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
