True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
