mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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