I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
