I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
