cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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