im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
