maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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