dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
