I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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