I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
