I'm passing your future prison.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm too high and old for this...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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