What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
