Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
