Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
