I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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