I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How's work?
Spinning.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Randomize
