I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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