Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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