his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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