every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
