Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
