Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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