my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
