dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
