Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
