I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
