things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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