I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
