Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
