I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
