I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
