i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
