watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
