you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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