shes about as inviting as chlamydia
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
