Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
