You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
