I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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