totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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