you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
