Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
