I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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