I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Let's get the cat blown out
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
